I promised myself back when I was traveling that I wouldn't stop blogging once I settled back in to one place again. I wrote a couple drafts, but never made it to the publish button. And just as I'm getting ready to hit the road again, here I am.
Let's catch up.
2012 was an interesting transition year for me. I left Buenos Aires in January, visited some of the most amazing places I've ever seen in South America, came back, spent time with family, drove cross country with my brother, did a 2-week freelance stint in Mexico City, then took a freelance gig back in NYC. I packed 2 bags, having no idea how long I would stay, or how I felt about staying. All I knew was that there was a whopping $10 in my bank account, and some minor credit card debt, and it was time to earn some dolla billz.
And so I walked right in, sat right down and got to it. The first days back working didn't even feel that overwhelming. I was used to a life where I was constantly changing and adapting. My brain said, just change and adapt, this is what we're doing now. So adapt I did. I jumped right back into the crazed late night world of mechanical building and deadline chasing. Where phrases like "parallel pathing" and "make the logo bigger" fueled daily conversations. Where we sat in conference rooms and argued about how long is too long for a hashtag. I marveled at how hard people worked, and how little life we saw outside of working hours. And for a while, I remembered that while I wanted to do good work, I did not want to give my life over to a job again. I talked about life balance, and the slippery slope of losing sight of what's important. When they asked me to go full time, I declined. Then they kept asking, and eventually, I said yes. I took a gamble. I thought I was signing up to build something and be a part of the leadership in that something.
And by golly, I fell right back in love with Brooklyn and being back in "the city", and back to all my lovely friends and my social life. My timeline matched up with Matt and Bree's timeline to travel, and I got to live in their AMAZING Williamsburg apartment (ie the best apartment ever). Everything felt so easy. And though we were working hard against insane deadlines and demands, I worked with amazing and smart people, and we had some good fun.
But the truth is, coming back to the "real world" after 2 years away was overwhelming. Being in one place in such a monotonous routine made it feel like a door was somehow closing on the unlimited possibility that I felt I had before me a year ago. (It sounds dramatic, I know). At first I thought I was doing quite well. Then I realized that I was letting the job get to me more than I wanted it to, much like I did before I left in 2010. Though I was spending as much time with friends as possible, I started to become the person who could only talk about how frustrating and absurd things at my job were. Who wants to be that person? I had somehow come to focus everything on my job. I didn't give myself the proper time or acknowledgement that the transition was supposed to be hard. I had just lived out my biggest dream, achieved one of the greatest goals I ever set before myself, spent every day for almost 2 years doing whatever I wanted to do, and going back to normal life was jolting.
I know the quickest way to make something different or better is an immediate shift in attitude.
So I changed my attitude. And in the fall, I tried to go at every day from an angle of positivity. And even if the work was brutal, I went in with a smile and a dance and tried my best to make it fun. I got back to the things I loved outside the office. I went back to yoga, got an indoor climbing membership, started riding my bike again, and finally started some art projects I'd been meaning to do. Things were looking up.
Eventually, living "my way" started to feel more difficult when my priorities didn't line up with my company's. The boat we were trying to float felt more like it was sinking. And it caused major internal chaos. Waking up every morning and literally saying out loud "I can't believe I have to go back there" about your job is a terrible feeling. And unfortunately, a feeling that all too many times, we feel we can never escape.
Luckily, the holidays were approaching. I took some much needed time off and fled to the ones I love. I flew home to Indiana for Christmas with the family. It's the first time in 4 years I've been home for Christmas, and therefore, the first time all the Kraft children (and grandchildren) have been back home in Indiana together in a damn long time. Ma and Pa Kraft were beyond pumped. As my dad would say, it was "Jack City". We spent 5 days eating and playing games and taking naps and laughing. And it was glorious. There is nothing like your family when you are old enough to appreciate how much it means to you. How much it fills you up with warm fuzzies. Ahem, when I say you, I mean me.
After a few days of being big fat lugs, I packed my bags for Florida. Bike & Build does an annual alumni/memorial ride every year between Christmas and New Years. The CWM (Chris Webber Memorial) ride has been an urban legend that I'd only heard of. Being that it was my first year back in the US as an alumni, there was no way I was missing it. So when we got snowed into my mom's house and my flight got cancelled, I rented a car and drove solo the 20ish hours to Orlando. And I had the best week of my life. Bikes and karaoke and shenanigans and theme nights and mic drops and a new signature dance move called choppy-chop-chop, chippy-chop-suey. I went down there knowing 5 people, and left in tears with countless new buddies . People who will be my best friends for life. And I was reminded how amazing the B&B community and spirit is. And how life changing that experience was for me and is for so many others. It was the best way to ring in a new year.
ONE DAY YOU WILL WAKE UP AND THERE WON'T BE ANY MORE TIME TO DO THE THINGS YOU'VE ALWAYS WANTED. DO IT NOW.
That was the quote on the back of our CWM shirts. When I came back to New York in the new year, I came back with a whole new mindset. Completely re-energized. I made a New Years Resolution with friends over dinner to live my life in 2013 similar to that of the 2010/2011 years. This does not mean I planned to take off around the world again. It simply meant doing things and living life in a way so that there is a story to it more than "went to work, came home, made dinner, waited for the weekend, and then relaxed". It was about filling my time with the people and things that I love and constantly seeking adventure in every day. I went back to my job, full force into a merger with a clean slate, and a can-do attitude. That lasted for a while. But slowly, it started to eat my soul. (dramatics again) Everyone kept telling me that Rome wasn't built in a day, and we had to have patience with the process. But I realized, finally, what I maybe knew all along. That this particular situation was not my Rome. That it was not going to ever make my heart sing. So the difficulty of it would never be worth it to me. And the longer I spent pretending it would, the longer it would keep me from something that might.
Sometimes I think we're programmed to believe that we can't change our circumstances. I've tried to teach myself that I can. So I did. And for the first time in my life, against everything my dad ever told me to do, I quit my job without a plan. And it felt scary, but the alternative that I would just keep trying to make it work when I knew it wouldn't, and end up still sitting in the same spot 10 years down the road was scarier. That's not good enough for me. Luckily, I'm in a place where I can make that move without too much fear. I have money saved, I have no apartment, no car, no mortgage, no husband, no kids, etc. There was no reason for me to stay any longer.
I decided to take the month of March off, to get some space before I started looking to make my next move. I wanted to start reaching out through other channels to see if there was something I could find that would stir up some passion in me. Some people know without a doubt what they want to do when they "grow up". They have a certainty of exactly where they're supposed to be job wise, and they're extremely fulfilled by what they do. Somehow the world makes us feel like EVERYONE has or should have that. Some of us aren't so lucky. When people ask me, "if money was no object, and you could do whatever you wanted, what would your dream job be?", I shrug my shoulders, and in extreme situations, start sucking my thumb and get on the floor in the fetal position. There are a lot of things I'd like to do, but I need to take time to really think about what the answer to that question is, and then start trying to figure out how to get there. It's a lot of trial and error.
So that's what I was going to do. Take some time to really search out and explore another avenue. But like most "plans", that one blew up when I got a surprise phone call from the Bike & Build office. A leader had stepped down. They needed another one. Would I be interested in the position? Of course the immediate reaction was, "are you fucking kidding me? Is this a joke?". She wasn't, and it wasn't. The second reaction was, "of course I want to do it". And the third was, "wait, my plan. my non-plan plan. Can I have a few days to think about it?". So I started to think. I talked it out with my close peeps. And then I realized that the only reasons I could think of not to do it were really adult reasons, and well, I'm not 100% of the way to that whole adult thing yet. The realizations were flooding in. I'm passionate about Bike & Build. I love bikes. I would get to lead another amazing group of passionate adults across the country again in support of a great cause. I could spend every day outside instead of freelancing in air conditioned offices bitching about how I couldn't be outside all summer and didn't know what I wanted to be when I grow up. It's kind of a no-brainer. So I called Natalie back within two hours and accepted, and now I'm gearing up. Nothing is an accident.
A month and a half ago I was talking about all the things I would do during my "unemployment". And now I'm about a week shy of leaving New York again, and I'm wondering where the fuck all that time went. Not because I regret how I've spent it, but it's just kind of crazy how fast time moves sometimes. Except if you're waiting for that boy/girl to call you, to find out if you got a job, or waiting for that long weekend to come, then it moves SO SLOW. It's been a damn good 6 weeks. I've had time to go to yoga every morning, to have leisurely coffee on my back porch, to catch up with my good friends, to ride bikes, to plan and coordinate for the summer, to think, to actually do my Portuguese homework, to explore a little bit what I want to do next, to be a tourist in my own city and to be reminded of why I love this place so damn much. It's been splendid. And even in the panicked moments when someone asks me if I'll come back to NYC in the fall, or what I think will be next, I calm down, and I know it'll all work out. I have to believe that, even when I have no idea what's coming my way.
I'm happy that I've had the space and time away from the job. I'm happy that I'm going to ride bikes across the country again. I'm happy that Bike & Build makes me so happy. I'm sad to leave New York. I'm sad to miss New York summer. But you can't have it ALL, and if there's one thing I've learned, it's that New York will always be here and that things don't change THAT MUCH. I'm so thankful for my friends and family near and far who have supported me over the last year. And even though there have been some ups and downs, I don't regret a single moment of it. Cause damn, boys and girls, I've learned a hell of a lot about myself and about life.
So next week I pick up my traveling shoes again (and my bike shoes and my favorite chaco sandals). And here's roughly what the summer looks like. Leave NYC May 2. Solo road trip home to Indiana to see my family (all 3 siblings home within a 6 month period!!). Jaunt up to Philly around the 8th. Van and trailer road trip with Natalie to Jacksonville (hopefully with more than 24 hours to spare). Arrive Jacksonville May 13 for leader orientation. Riders on the 16th. Start riding May 18. Ride the southern US, building houses, having dance parties, and eating mass amounts of PB&J sandwiches, ice cream every day. Arrive in Monterey Aug 4. Celebrate good times. Spend month of August bumming around the west coast with Natalie. Elongate this having time to travel thing as long as possible. Road trip back to the East coast in Sept. Have a birthday. See what's next. Settle in somewhere "permanently".
Goal is to get this blog back up and running regularly so I don't have to write mini novels every time. And I'll post mail drop information so you can send me awesome presents on the road.
